Trigger warning: Mention of slight self-harm, self-hate

It might require a little vulnerability from me to type this out right now. But I am going to do it because this theme means a lot to me. So last year was literal shit for me. Thinking about it, 2020 was the year I lost people who were very close to me. But last year was just another ride, the ones that you hate so much- the ones which everybody says are the best, while somehow your gut tells you that it's f*cking horrible, but you nevertheless take up the risk. And yeah, you regret it because you end up puking. All the contents.

I always loved myself; I did go through bullying when I was young, but I always had that self-love in me. But I did things I hated, and those were not some things that were forbidden or anything- they were, in fact, very normal. Very very normal. But I went on this whole level of hating myself. Even the things I loved - writing, sunshine, clouds- they couldn’t cheer me up. I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror. I realized that I wasn’t in the perfect body, I scored the absolute worst; I had parents who loved me and I couldn’t do my best to get what they wanted from me. Waking up every day, looking in the mirror and saying, ‘I hate you’ to myself was a routine for me, slapping myself when I never did anything wrong but everyone blamed me was normal for me. I was even pulling my hair and all those things that I only saw in movies and shows in which the characters had the absolute worst mental health. So I decided to take a break from everything. The month of December- the changing point for me- was when I sort of realized my value. Instead of listening to songs that were ‘relatable because everything sucked’, listening to artists like Louis and Taylor changed so much in me. And one of the best decisions I made last month was to start self-love again. I couldn’t pass a year with self-hate, and I am grateful that I decided to start this journey of self-love. Cause if you want to do anything, literally anything, you need to do it for you and you only. Not for anyone- not your parents, your friends, your siblings- NO ONE.

I know it sounds difficult, it might even take time, and there will be days when you don’t want to always love yourself, but you just need to give yourself time. It’s just been three weeks since I have started this but tell you what, it’s working for me, and I try and try every day. Okay, I can’t see my screen anymore, maybe tears. But I know you’ll get through it, I know you will :)

Author: anonymous

Editor: Sai Reddy

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