I open the search chat option on WhatsApp and type in the word “sorry”.
“I’m so sorry”
“I’m really sorry, it’ll never happen again”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please can we talk”
thousands of “sorrys” pop up at me,
and surprise surprise
most of them are mine.
I think my chosen method of solving issues is confrontation.
I, like others, assumed it’s because I’m short-tempered and impatient and blunt.
But I realized it’s also majorly because I can’t stand conflict.
Ironic, isn’t it?
I hate fighting with people I love so much, I want to sort it and finish it off as soon as possible, beleaguered with guilt and terrified of losing them.
So even if it requires me to swallow my ego first, notwithstanding whose fault it is and grovel,
I do it.
Pathetic, isn’t it? Always caring about people more than they’ll ever care about you.
And it makes you their automatic safety blanket.
Because deep down they know I’ll be there for them because I care far too much.
And egoistic as it may sound,
they put in less effort because I’m the idiot that’ll always stick around.
Sometimes it weighs down on me like a massive rock that won’t let up.
“No one will ever care as much as you do.”
But this time, to myself.
I apologise for thinking so little of myself that I believe I’m so easily replaceable.
I apologise for accepting subpar love just so I could hold onto the person.
I apologise for not knowing my goddamn worth.
Because damn. If you ever lose me, you lose someone who loves you with every pore of their being.
And I’d say it’s fair compensation for the terrifying fear that probably gripped my heart when I realized you’d stopped caring.
Really. F*ck apologies.
I know I deserve a whole lot more than I’ve gotten.
Author: Ananya Chaure
Editor: Krisha Raut