Bullet Holes

I’m sorry… I’m sorry I made you cancel plans you had been looking forward to for days. I’m sorry I made you miss school so many times. I’m sorry you had to quit jobs you invested in because of me. I’m sorry for the things you’ve heard because of me. I’m sorry.


You’ve fought my battles for me so many times… “Indecisive little shit”, “You’re so flaky”, “Messed up teenager”, “Quit being an attention-seeking b*tch” they said. All those bullets were mine to take. But you took them for me. You took the fall for something that wasn’t even your fault because that’s the type of person you are – the one who helps everyone in need.


Your kindness towards me has only made me feel worse about what I’ve done to you, everything I put you through. The guilt of making you question your worth every day tears me apart. The culpability of making you worry about whether or not you deserved good things in your life.


I’m sorry I slit a hole in you right below your carefully stacked actions of progress, and I’m sorry that I made you plummet into an abyss of questions. I’m sorry that I tampered with the parts of your life that weren’t mine to touch.


But I’m just a weak and pathetic little thing. I hide behind the guise of ‘logic’ and ‘looking out for you’ and I know that it’s wrong. Even though I’ve turned your life upside down and made it into a battlefield, the artillery you pick each time astounds me – patience, acceptance, vulnerability.


I want to thank you for allowing me to work through you without destroying you, for finding the silver lining in every ugly cloud I presented you with. For treading gracefully over the snares I placed all around you. For choosing goodness from the centre of every hurricane I spun you into.


I know that all I did was wrong. I want to make things right and I don’t want to hide behind you anymore and cause you more trouble… consider this as a letter from me to the whole world telling everyone that the only reason they see you like this is because of me. Everyone needs to see you for who you are and not just see me taking over your mind and soul.


And one last thing, kiddo. Everything about you and everything you are is astounding. Don’t let me make you doubt that. Each time I was leaving, I’d turn around to take another look at you and there you were – braver, stronger, kinder than ever before.


From the one who feels very sorry,

Anxiety


Author: Arushi Deshpande

Editor: Charu Sabharwal


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