I didn't find love after all

I was not aware that looking for love makes it harder to find.

I put on the prettiest waistcoat from my wardrobe, dabbed my lips with rose water. It was the first time I was going to see a man who I could love. I had to be flawless. He was a Prince, I couldn’t stress that enough; and he was soon to be a knight. His kingdom was far in the west. My mother dressed me with the finest jewels I had ever seen. My neck looked richer. My maidens then gently put on my gown. I decided to wear red because one can never go wrong with a red dress.

It took a long time to reach him but all the waiting seemed worth something great. We arrived at the crack of dawn at his majestic palace, with engravings like an entry to a grand ball. I already felt like a queen.

He finally entered the room and time seemed to stop, my eyes looked nowhere but in his direction. His perfectly chiseled jaw complemented his fair skin tone, but something in his eyes didn’t feel loveable. He sat on his chair in a most grandiose way. He then looked me up and down, and then whispered something to his mother who then smiled at me too. She whispered to my father next, and he announced with great joy that we would be getting married in three days. I was happy, but sad too, that I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone who I had met a minute ago.

When I reached home, everyone started packing my clothes and I had to choose which maiden would live with me there. The idea of leaving my family behind scared me. Then in the midst of my mind spiralling about mundane thoughts, it struck me what I was doing. I had promised myself when I was younger that if I would marry, I would marry for love, but this Prince - I barely even knew him. Love seemed like a foreign language. There was something different about his eyes, I couldn’t see the warmth I was looking for. I barely knew anything about this Prince but I had to marry him regardless.

Well I did marry him, and today it’s been a year since I have lived with him. He takes care of me, carries out his duties, talks to me about politics and about how he punishes the guilty.

I have all these conversations but there’s always something missing. He is around me but yet I crave something more than him. I feel like I am living everyday on loop and there’s nothing left in my soul to keep me alive.

Author: Tasneem Khambatti

Editor: Shreya Paul

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