I would probably start by asking how you are, but it's funny, because I should know how I am, right? But what’s even funnier is I don’t know how I am. I don’t know if I’m good or bad, happy or sad, tired or energetic; I really don’t know. Is it that weird that I don’t? It probably is, and that is why I’m writing this letter to you, to apologise for everything:
for taking you for granted on most days, for hurting you like no one else could, for making you mad, for not taking proper care of you, for stretching out your limits sometimes, and for never genuinely being happy. I’m so sorry I never understood what you’re going through. There are days I take you for granted, like that day when I thought my life was a joke and I wanted to die, or when I told myself my feelings clouded my judgement and let them stomp over me like any other time, or when I beat myself up because of the bad marks, or when I starved you to death because I was angry at Mom.
I’m sorry Dear Me, because I fail to take care of you when you take so, so, so much care of me. I’m sorry that you have to go through so much and you go through it alone, because I’m busy helping others. I’m sorry for not wanting to love you when you loved me the most. I’m sorry for not holding you up, when you were the only one who had my back. I’m sorry for not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. I’m sorry Dear Me, that I put you through so much and never thought how hard it was for you even once.
I’m sorry I don’t answer honestly when someone asks me how my day went, because you know I don’t want to bother them with my problems since everyone is going through something right now, but then I’m sorry because I’m not even being honest with myself. I know I should be, but maybe I’m too scared to face reality and just convince myself with things that aren’t true.
I’m sorry for being irresponsible and throwing everything on you, expecting you to handle it like a magician, but in all honesty you were a magician, you did handle this like no one else, you helped me survive this, so thank you. Thank you for never giving up on me.
But Dear Me, I’m sorry I don’t know how long I can hang on, it all feels like I’m sinking, sinking deep into the oceanic blue salty waters, and I don’t know how to swim my way out of this. I’m sorry Me, because I don’t give you the credit you deserve, the love you need and I don’t cut you enough slack. I’m sorry I drag myself longer than usual some days but it’s because I want me to be better. I’m sorry I don’t tell others when they hurt me, but maybe that’s because it’s just how I am and I don’t know how to change it, I feel I’ll lose them all one day and I’ll be all alone. Now I know you’ll say I won't be alone because I have you, but sometimes I don’t know if you’re enough.
I’m sorry, because I feel like running away from myself sometimes, because I’m scared of me,
of the things I’ll do, of the games my mind plays, the people I fall for.
I run away from me because I’m afraid I’ll mess everything up, every single thing, just like I push people away.
I’m sorry Me, I’m so sorry I am not the best version of myself ever, and even when I am, I think I’m not enough. I’m sorry I don’t protect you from some people when you do tell me before, but only if I’d listen to you. I don’t know how to apologise to you, because I know you’ll forgive me and love me unconditionally like you always do in spite of everything I’ve put you through; you’re here, you have my back, so thank you and I’m sorry.
But I do want to make a promise to you; I will start loving you and I will start treating you better and cutting you some slack, because I know you’d do the same for me. So Dear Me, I’m sorry for everything, and as hard it is saying this, I love you. Thank you.
Sincerely promising to improve my ways,
The other half of you.
Editor: Ananya Chaure