To my cloested self,
I’ll never be able to reconcile the pain you went through for those first few months, the loneliness, the fears, and the questions running around in your head; how will I have kids? Who will I marry? What actually is gay sex, since I was never taught it in school? If I kiss a girl in public, will I get hurt? And then, in a more annoying voice, echoing above the rest, how do I tell people, and what will they think?
I’m sorry about the friends you’re going to lose. For the friends that won’t understand; who find it weird; who make it weird; who will see you as a demon; who will become demons. I’m sorry about the people who will make a hard time worse.
There’s nothing more isolating than introducing the people you care about to the ‘new’ you, and having them reject you off-hand like they never even cared to begin with. It might throw everything you think you can rely on into question for a while. But I don’t want you to worry about everyone.
Your family will welcome you with open arms and nothing will change at home. You’re going to grow, and meet people who love you as you are, and who don’t flinch or wince when you come out to them. The friends that stick by you will stay stuck like glue, and they’re going to
prove to you that you’re not a different person; you’re just whole now. And you were never better before you knew the truth, that you were missing some really important parts, and those parts are going to end up making you into a person you can’t even imagine yet. And realising you’re different to the person you thought you were, shouldn’t be scary, it should be exciting. You’ve got so much to learn about yourself, you’re going to get to know all of it, and you’re going to love every single part. It will be worth all the crying and moping you’re doing right now. Nothing worth having comes easy; especially not freedom.
Coming out isn’t a walk in the park for anyone. Your experience will be relatively positive, despite all the turmoil you went through, because you’re still going to end up surrounded by people who love you and care about you, queerness and all. You’re following in the footsteps of thousands of people who have screamed, and cried, and fought, and died for the right to love and live proudly, and that’s what you’ve got to do. You are blessed to live in the middle of a revolution where being proud of your sexuality is easier than it’s ever been. And that’s not to say it’s easy, because it’s not; we’ve come so far, but we’ve still got a long way to go. The journey you’re about to embark on is going to be beautiful and formative, in spite of the bumps in the road.
I can’t wait for you to see the world around you in colour for the first time.
You can do this,
I love you,
Out and Proud