Self-love is always portrayed as taking a day off , taking a bubble bath or simply pampering yourself with your favourite food. All of these have one thing in common and that is, all of these are an external form of self-love.
5 MONTHS EARLIER….
Someone I loved, told me that I was insecure and a lot of other things over a period of time that shattered me .
I used to pull all nighters as if it were a piece of cake, sleeping at 7 am and getting up at 4 pm was a routine I couldn't escape. I had a million assignments piled up but had no motivation to complete them. Everything just seemed better off with me hiding my face under a blanket with a phone which trapped my soul in a lifeless planet of things I had no control over. My mom did not ask me why I had turned so dull suddenly, but I could see a question lingering in her eyes she didn't want an answer to.
It felt like no one genuinely loved me anymore , not even the person who I’d cried in the arms of and had said he would be there for me till the end of this road.
To be honest I didn't love me either, it felt exhausting to love myself and hear people say: “You know what, just have a hot shower and some cold coffee, it will fix everything”. How could I tell them that I had tried everything which showed up on the first page of google when you searched “how to feel happy again”?
This was probably the lowest I had ever been.
I looked in the mirror everyday, the same oily unbrushed hair, the same crooked nose for which I had been called out for so long , lips which hadn’t smiled in a long while and eyes which were blank and held no life at all.
It’s rightly said that “Things fall apart before they come together.” I am in a different city today. No, not for long, but for enough time to learn a few more things and love myself a little more. Maybe self-love isn't the word I would go for, self acceptance is, you can only love one thing after you have accepted it and maybe that's one step no one elaborates for you enough in this world.
I coloured my hair, changed the way I wore clothes, I kept my phone in a drawer and went for a cycle ride every now and then, I sat on the terrace with a tree above my head and vibed to songs from my “to chill” playlist. Everything seems so much better today, I sleep at 11 pm and I get up by 7 am. Looks like a miracle now, doesn't it? If I could pick myself up from something like that, maybe you can too.
Now enough about me, I want to talk to you!
You know what, maybe yes, your nose is crooked, your hairline doesn't look the same way the girl’s on your insta feed does, maybe yes those jeans which fit you 5 months ago don't fit you anymore and maybe you don't feel like getting out of your blanket today.
I just want to let you know that when you exist, you make someone's life a little happier by just being there and that the way your eyes look under the sun makes anyone blush with the beauty it holds, the way your hair flips makes every second count and maybe every other person going through your insta feed dreams to have lips like yours.
You know what? You ponder over your flaws so much that you miss out on all the things people admire you for, and it is sad to see you wasting your time over things like these.
Someone you loved with all your heart left you like it meant nothing to them, but darling I just want to let you know that they didn't see the sparkle in your eyes the way someone else will tomorrow, it's their loss that they lost something so beautiful and genuine as you and you don't have to feel guilty for the choices they made. You are so damn lovable and you deserve everything you can dream of. Don’t let the amount of people who like you define your self worth, pick up your shit and go for that morning walk you always thought of but never went for, go get that edgy haircut you were always so afraid to get, and love yourself enough that when someone tells you that you're not worth enough you open the door and let them walk out from your life without thinking about it twice.
Author: Jia Bakshi
Editor: Sai Reddy