Sometimes I wish I didn’t have memories, that I didn’t have to remember anything I didn't want to.
Maybe then I wouldn’t have to go to bed knowing those moments would come to haunt me every night, replaying in my head over and over again.
Maybe I wouldn't have to constantly occupy myself with something, anything, so I don’t slip up and let realisation hit me.
Maybe I live in denial, because the truth is too real to face.
Maybe I wouldn’t constantly feel like I was missing something.
Maybe I would be out, having the time of my life now instead of being imprisoned in my head.
And maybe, just maybe, I could fight all the demons in my head.
But I can’t, I can’t, because we are all human, and we’ve been ‘blessed’ with memories, so we can store all parts of our life in our brain, documented and ready whenever you want to access it, but mostly, even when you don’t.
The good memories are there in plenty, yeah, but recently? It only seems like I’m bombarded with bad ones. They slowly weigh down upon the good ones, until you’re too lazy to reprieve them, and to think of any of the thrills you’ve had.
And if I’m being honest?
I hate feeling nostalgic, because all it does is bring flashbacks of a better time, a time where I didn’t feel like I was being held captive within myself, and within these four walls. They say it brings back the good old days, but what happens when you’re done reminiscing? You go back to your abyss of loneliness and apathy, except maybe it’s 10 times worse.
So maybe, then I wouldn’t constantly feel like shit.
Maybe I wouldn’t look at everyone else revelling in their perfect lives.
Maybe I wouldn’t have unreasonable dreams of a life I’ll never have.
Maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to put on a fake smile and 13 heart emojis on everything that I do.
Maybe I am revelling in my teenage angst, and feel bitter, resentful, and envious, but do I not have every right to?
So yeah, maybe we would be better off with selective memories, because nostalgia is afterall, the gift that only keeps on taking.
Author: Adwita Chaure
Editor: Khushi Luniya