TW: Mentions of Death, Self Harm, Homophobia, Sl*t Shaming
Don’t have her,
She’ll only bring pain and suffering.
For at age 5,
I did try taking her away,
To help it become easier for you
Making her gasp for each breath
Cursing each fruit, each nut for her
Yet you still kept her, still kept her alive.
For at age 7 ,
Time reminded you of other responsibilities
And then sense knocked on your door.
For who can teach love to a monster?
She was born a hopeless case
You had finally left her.
For at age 11,
I sent my demons after her
Letting them rip her apart
Making her see her true, ugly self.
She pushed you away with each cut
Yet you still loved her, still opened your arms for her.
For at 12 and half,
She saw her true self
In the reflection of the broken whiskey glasses
In the puffs of the dark smoke clouds
In the endless lines crossed on her wrists.
She knew she was worthless
I still wonder, why didn’t you give up fully yet?
For I know for a fact she had.
For at 13,
She’ll look at girls
In a way she maybe isn’t supposed to
Her peers will tell her it’s wrong
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.
But her heart wants what it wants.
“How attention seeking !”
“What a big sl*t, I must say”
For at 14,
She’ll try to turn her life around
Try to be good enough while begging for perfection,
Somehow try to fix all her wrongdoings of the past.
But she’ll become sweet, only to end up weak,
For no matter how much she changed,
She was still rotten to the core.
For at 15,
She’ll debate life
Blaming everyone around for all the suffering she caused
Crying herself to sleep, barely doing enough.
How pathetic, I tell you.
She’ll try to hold on to the very little light,
Realizing it’s all an illusion
An illusion of false hope.
Don’t have her,
She’ll only cause you disappointment and tears.
But don’t worry sweetie,
I finally pushed her off the ledge.
I dragged the knife for the last time.
But hey, don’t blame me, child.
For I’m just a pawn in the game.
Blame her, she’s a child of suicide.
Author: Anubhi Srivastava
Editor: Shreya Paul