The worst kind of love(to fall or not to fall)

To the boy I've fallen for:

I met you at a club at 2 in the morning. It was at that point in the party where dancing was no longer an option because your feet are sore, but going home seems too lame because the vibes are immaculate. I don't know what made you pull that chair next to me but I'm so glad you did because honestly, it was one of the best conversations I’d ever had. We spoke till 6 am and the whole world seemed to fade away, it was just you and me realizing that we had met the people we could be ourselves around. Thanks to the adrenaline-pumped state we were both in, our confidence was shooting through the roof and we didn't hold back on the flirting, and honestly, it was one of the best nights of my life.

You know as well as I do that neither of us wanted the night to end, but your passed-out brother seemed to have other plans. So we both had to leave and go back to our realities and honestly, I thought that was it for us, one of those, boy and girl meet, have a perfect night and never see each other ever again type of situations. But like every modern love story, you slid into my DMS and we chatted for the full day. And I don't want to say this out loud but I'm sure the distraction was the reason I nearly failed my prelim paper, which I had meant to study for but you just had to go and be so damn interesting.

You made excuses to meet me nearly every day despite the fact that college was so hectic. No matter the reason, you would still show up outside my house to take me for a drive or take me for food; and every minute we spent together, you got perfect, and I could feel myself falling for you more and more.

I don't know how but you made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered to you, the way your face lit up every time you saw me or the way you would yell at me if I referred to myself as stupid. You had this special thing about you that I still can't describe, but it made me so comfortable around you that I could tell you whatever was on my mind.

Not even my friends who have known me for years had seen me get this way about a guy because you were the only thing I could talk about and no matter how much it annoyed them I didn’t stop because of just how happy you made me.

And it was all going absolutely great until that day when you leaned in so close and all I wanted to do was kiss you but I knew I couldn't.

To the boy I hate,

Let's talk about her… yes her…. The girl you never want to talk about, the girl whose name makes you build the fortress of silence around yourself, the girl who has done nothing to me but yet I hate her for having what I want most.

She has it all, the brains, the beauty, the social life, the charisma, and most of all she has you.

I don't know if she should be sad or happy about that last thing, because if only she knew the things you told me that first night we met. The way you told me that you and I would have been perfect together and how you were oh so willing to come home with me. I'm not blaming you for the flirt because everyone around us noticed our connection, everyone could see the sparks fly. But neither you, nor your brothers, nor your friends could stop their partying and their conversations to come over and tell me you had a girlfriend.

Does she know about the way you drove an hour just so you could take me out for tacos? Or the way you met me for a whole week driving me around to different places so we could sit and watch the sea? Does she know about the way you called me every time you got high and how your psychedelics would make you extremely honest and yet you never even once mentioned her?

My friends warned me to stay away, they told me I was falling for you hard, and I know it was stupid of me to ignore their warnings because of how right they always are. And look where that got me stuck- between the perfect boy and my morals.

It makes me laugh that I refer to you as that perfect boy despite the fact that you emotionally cheated on your girlfriend. And even after knowing that isn't right, I'm still so whipped for the side of you that I fell for that I can’t help but defend you when everyone tries to point out how you can ruin me.

I thought there was hope for us that day when you told me you broke up with her, I thought I’d finally get to have you for myself, but I should have realized that you are so emotionally damaged that you don’t even know what you want. But I went for it, ignoring the warning signs. I told you how I felt and when you kissed me, it was the most wonderful thing ever, like the perfect fit. It plastered a smile on my face the whole day, but I should have let you deal with your break-up and given you the space you need because now all I've got is a handful of emotions and a guy who is too broken to even address them.

That last day we met still gives me butterflies and makes me want to fall on a bed of flowers while love songs play in the back; but it has been a week since then and you haven't even reached out to me and with each day that you ignore me, the pain gets a little worse. And no matter how obvious it is and no matter how much I try to deny it, my friends are right- you used me as a rebound, now just out of sight and out of mind.

Author: Nathania Do Rego

Editor: Adwita Chaure

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