“It's been a while, I should have moved on
'Cause I shouldn't be writing you this song
Haven't crossed my mind for so long
But tonight you're the movie, I want to live on…
...I'm still letting you go, I just want you to know
That I think of you, think of you,
Think of you, think of you”
-Think of You, Christina Grimmie
Hi, It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Almost a year since we spoke….we didn’t end on bad terms per se, but what can we talk about really?
I have moved on, but there is still a small part of me that will never give you up. A part of me that still emits the same amount of affection now as I did then. You don’t cross my mind that often anymore, but when you do, I like to think of our short time together as a good run. We made nice memories, memories I am still not willing to let go of, maybe I never will.
You made me happy. Your smile lit up the whole place. I think it was the fact that you found the silver lining in everything that had me beaming. They called me a ray of sunshine? They clearly hadn’t met your beaming self.
But that light went after she brought you down. I couldn’t help but think who in their right mind would let you go. You looked so sad, and I didn’t know how to help. How do you help someone who just got their heart broken by someone they loved? Especially when you want them. But, I did what I could. Not going to lie, your detailed accounts of your time with her were kind of painful to hear, but I would have heard you even if I didn’t so helplessly adore you.
I was quite surprised when you asked me out. You didn’t have closure and neither were you over her. But you said you were, and I believed you. Queen of being delusional, aren’t I?
A cold-hearted robot, quite harsh, don’t you think? I may not be the best at expressing myself, but I think I did a good job around you. You made me feel a lot of things. Confused, in the beginning. Sometimes a little annoyed because of you, not understanding the concept of personal space. Even a little awkward, when you held my hand or hugged me because physical touch wasn’t exactly my love language back then. But you also got me used to it. Made me like it. You made me like physical affection, surprisingly. Hugs, hand kisses, forehead kisses, whatnot. You really were perfect, weren’t you? But I guess that was just your personality, for I knew there was something wrong.
She was your perfect girl, not me. And you confirmed my suspicions that cold July morning when you said that you still had feelings for her and that she wanted you back. I didn’t feel anything when you said that, was I numb? Or was I just expecting it? I couldn’t tell my emotions apart then and I can’t now either. You didn’t leave me for her of course, but I couldn’t get through my days without feeling guilty. Guilty about the fact that I was the one keeping you away from her. Sounds a little silly now I guess, but I did what I thought was right then.
I let you go.
Yet you said you missed me. And in the end, you ended up with neither of us. Kind of funny, isn’t it? I let you go for nothing.
It's not that I didn't think that you weren’t worth fighting for, but you believed in your happy ever after, and I didn't want you to keep wondering if it was her. Maybe I was a little hurt too, that she was better. But I knew you weren’t over her, I guess it was my fault too.
We are young and this isn’t the end. Maybe it was the right person at the wrong time or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know if it was love, maybe because I am inexperienced or maybe I think it is too early to know what love really is. Maybe it was just infatuation. But what I felt for you was strong. I hope you don’t resent me for letting you go.
You were important to me and still are. I am sure I would be that last person you’d come to for anything but if you ever did, I’ll be there.
This has become too emotional now. I shouldn’t be writing you this, but I guess this is my way of giving you closure since I didn’t tell you the real reason I let you go.
You seem happy now, and so am I. That’s what matters in the end, right? And despite this rollercoaster of emotions, I just wanted you to know that every now and then, I think of you.
Author: Charu Sabharwal
Editor: Sanya Chadha